A three-year-old grabs a toy and shouts “Mine!” while another child cries beside her. A nine-year-old announces that he is the best in the class and laughs when a friend loses. Both children are putting themselves first, and both might be called “narcissistic” by a worried adult or a confident internet article.
They are not the same thing. The first child is showing a normal feature of early thinking. The second may be showing something that deserves a closer look. The word “narcissism” has become so common in everyday speech that these two very different ideas are often mixed together.
This article separates them. It explains what egocentrism is, what narcissism in children is, how the two differ in kind and not just in degree, and what the research says about helping children grow up with healthy self-esteem.
Egocentrism: A Limit on What a Young Child Can Do
Egocentrism is a concept from developmental psychology, most closely associated with Jean Piaget. In his account (Piaget & Inhelder, 1956), children in the preoperational stage, from about 2 to 7 years, find it hard to work out how things look or feel from another person’s point of view. They tend to assume that others see, think and feel as they do.
The classic test is the three mountains task. A child looks at a model of three mountains, and is asked what a doll seated at another side of the model can see. Young children often choose their own view.
The key point is that egocentrism is not selfishness or greed. It describes what a child is not yet able to do. A child who doesn’t realise that a crying sibling wants something different isn’t ignoring her on purpose. The idea hasn’t fully formed yet.
Egocentrism Is Less Rigid Than It First Seemed
Later research showed that young children are more capable than Piaget’s tasks suggested. Borke (1975) found that 3- and 4-year-olds could take another viewpoint when the scene used familiar materials, such as a farm with animals and people, instead of mountains.
Flavell and colleagues (1981) described two steps. At Level 1, children understand that another person may see different things from them, and this appears around age 2 (Moll & Tomasello, 2006). At Level 2, children understand that someone can see the same thing in a different way, and this traditionally appears around 4 to 5, although recent work suggests it can appear earlier under some conditions (Moll & Meltzoff, 2011).
Understanding of beliefs follows a similar path. By about age four most children grasp that someone can hold a false belief (Wimmer & Perner, 1983; Wellman, Cross & Watson, 2001).
So egocentrism isn’t a switch that flips off at a particular age. It fades gradually as perspective-taking develops. Adolescents have their own version, such as the sense of being watched by an imaginary audience (Elkind, 1967), and it also passes.
Narcissism in Children: A Pattern in How a Child Sees Themselves
Narcissism is a different kind of thing. Researchers describe it as a personality trait marked by a sense of superiority and a desire for respect and admiration (Brummelman, Thomaes & Sedikides, 2016). Narcissistic children feel superior to others, believe they are entitled to privileges, and want to be admired.
Three features matter here. First, narcissism in children is studied as a trait on a continuum, and most children sit somewhere in the middle. Second, individual differences first become visible in late childhood, around ages 7 to 12 (Brummelman et al., 2015), and researchers say it can be identified from that age (Thomaes et al., 2013). Third, it is not a diagnosis. Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical condition for adults, and the diagnostic manual allows personality disorders in young people only when the pattern is pervasive, persistent and unlikely to be limited to a developmental stage (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
Narcissism can also look different from child to child. Researchers describe a grandiose form (bold, outgoing, boastful) and a vulnerable form (anxious, shy, withdrawn) (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020).
Narcissism Is Not the Same as High Self-Esteem
A third idea often gets mixed in: self-esteem. Many people think narcissism is simply too much self-esteem, but the research points the other way. Narcissism and self-esteem are only weakly related, and about as many narcissistic people have high self-esteem as low (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020).
The difference lies in the kind of self-view. A child with healthy self-esteem is satisfied with themselves and doesn’t see themselves as better than others. A narcissistic child holds exalted views of themselves, often unrealistic, and may keep them even in the face of evidence against them.
When a narcissistic child doesn’t get the admiration they want, they may feel ashamed and respond with anger (Brummelman et al., 2016). Healthy self-esteem is steadier, and it doesn’t depend on comparison.
So there are three ideas to keep apart: egocentrism (a stage of thinking), self-esteem (a healthy sense of worth) and narcissism (a pattern of superiority and need for admiration).
The Conceptual Difference: Seven Contrasts
Here is how narcissism in children differs from normal egocentrism. One caution first: I found no studies that compare the two directly. This is a conceptual distinction drawn from two separate bodies of research.
1. What kind of thing it is. Egocentrism is a cognitive limit: the child cannot yet fully take another view. Narcissism is a self-view and a motivation: the child sees themselves as superior and wants admiration.
2. What the child understands. The egocentric child doesn’t yet grasp the other person’s perspective. A narcissistic child may feel little care or concern for others because they look down on them (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020). The issue is more about stance than ability.
3. Age and timing. Egocentrism is expected in toddlers and preschoolers and fades with development. Narcissism as an individual difference becomes measurable from late childhood.
4. Response to new information. An egocentric child often changes when shown (“Look, she’s sad”), because it’s news to them. A narcissistic child may dismiss the other child’s feelings or turn on the person who points it out.
5. Response to criticism or shame. Egocentrism doesn’t involve a fragile ego to protect. In an experiment with 163 young adolescents (Thomaes et al., 2008), narcissistic children were more aggressive than others, but only after being shamed.
6. What the child is after. The egocentric child wants what they want in the moment. The narcissistic child strives for superiority and admiration, comparing themselves to others (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020).
7. Course over time. Egocentrism recedes as thinking matures. Narcissism is a trait that can change, and narcissism levels typically decline across the life course (Orth, Krauss & Back, advance online).
The two are not mutually exclusive, and one doesn’t grow into the other. A child with limited perspective-taking can also hold narcissistic traits. But nothing in this research suggests that ordinary early egocentrism turns into narcissism. Narcissism emerges later and is linked to different experiences.
Two Scenes
A three-year-old shouts “I’m first!” and pushes ahead of her brother, who starts to cry. She doesn’t seem to notice. Her mother says, “Look, he’s sad.” The girl stops, looks, and offers him the toy. This is egocentrism: new information changed her behaviour.
A nine-year-old wins a game and tells a friend that he lost because he’s “just not as good as me.” When his teacher says that wasn’t kind, he turns red, shouts that she’s unfair, and refuses to go on. This might be pride that came out clumsily. It might also be worth watching if it is a pattern.
One scene proves nothing. A single boast or a single angry reaction is part of ordinary childhood. What counts is a persistent pattern across settings and over time.
Where Narcissistic Traits Come From
How narcissistic traits develop is still being worked out. The best evidence so far comes from Brummelman and colleagues (2015), who followed 565 children aged 7 to 12 with their parents, over four 6-month periods. Narcissism was predicted by parental overvaluation, meaning seeing a child as more special and entitled than others. It was not predicted by lack of parental warmth. Self-esteem showed the opposite pattern: it was predicted by warmth, not overvaluation.
The authors suggest that children acquire narcissism in part by taking on their parents’ inflated views of them. The association was modest, and the study measured traits, not disorder.
Other findings are less clear. Studies in which young adults recall their upbringing give mixed results. Narcissism is also partly heritable, according to the lead author. And the claim that Western youth are becoming more narcissistic is contested (Trzesniewski, Donnellan & Robins, 2008). Parents are not the sole cause.
Why Shame Makes Things Worse
The experiment by Thomaes and colleagues (2008) has a lesson for parents. In their study, low self-esteem did not lead to aggression. The children who lashed out after being shamed were the narcissistic ones, and narcissism combined with high self-esteem led to exceptionally high aggression. It was a lab task using noise blasts as a measure of aggression, so it shows a pattern and not real-life behaviour.
The practical implication is that humiliating a child who shows narcissistic traits is likely to backfire. It threatens the image they are trying to protect.
Raising Self-Esteem Without Narcissism
Brummelman and Sedikides (2020) propose that healthy self-esteem, without narcissism, can be cultivated through three things: realistic feedback in place of inflated praise, a focus on growth in place of superiority, and unconditional regard in place of regard that depends on performance. This is a model, not a tested programme, and the authors call for programmes to be developed and tested.
Inflated praise is a good example. About a quarter of parents’ praise is inflated, and in one study it led children with low self-esteem to choose easier tasks (Brummelman et al., 2014). Warmth does more than inflation: it builds a sense of worth that doesn’t depend on being better than others.
In practice, that means:
For egocentrism in young children: be patient and describe other people’s feelings aloud (“He’s sad because he wanted a turn”). The skill is still forming.
For narcissistic traits in older children: give warm, steady regard that doesn’t depend on winning, give specific and honest feedback, and praise effort and improvement. Talk about other people’s feelings, keep limits consistent, and avoid shaming.
A Common Myth: The Narcissistic Only Child
Many people believe that only children are more narcissistic. A study of 1,810 people in Germany found that they weren’t (Dufner et al., 2020). The stereotype was widespread, but only children scored no higher on narcissistic admiration or rivalry. The study covered grandiose traits in one country, so it doesn’t speak to vulnerable narcissism or to disorder.
When to Look Closer
Most self-centred behaviour in children is ordinary. It’s worth speaking to a professional if the pattern is persistent across home and school and over many months, if a child regularly shows contempt for others, exploits friends, or reacts to criticism with intense anger, or if the behaviour is causing real distress or isolating them.
Avoid labelling your child. “Narcissist” is a word that can stick, and the research treats this as a spectrum.
Narcissism in Children and The Play Therapy Toolbox
The Play Therapy Toolbox: 123 Simple Play Therapy Activities and Therapeutic Games Supporting Every Stage of Child Development from Age 3 to 12 contains activities that help children name feelings, see other points of view and build a sense of worth that doesn’t depend on being best. Role-play and storytelling give children safe practice in imagining how others feel.
Each activity comes with step-by-step guidance on how to run it and what to say, questions to ask the child, and a parent guidance note. The book includes 123 activities and 75+ printable worksheets, with a cross-referenced annex to find activities by age and presenting concern.
Before You Begin: A Note on Professional Support
This article is educational and cannot tell you whether your child has narcissistic traits. If you are concerned about persistent patterns, especially contempt for others, exploitation, intense anger after criticism, or distress, I would sincerely recommend consulting a qualified mental health professional. Assessment is best done by someone who knows your child and can consider other explanations.
Three Things Worth Knowing
Egocentrism and narcissism are different things.
Egocentrism is a normal stage of thinking that fades. Narcissism is a pattern of superiority and need for admiration that emerges later. A self-centred three-year-old is not a small narcissist.
Warmth builds self-esteem. Inflation builds narcissism.
The best evidence suggests children thrive on warmth and realistic feedback, and that telling them they are more special than others can backfire. The effects are modest, and parents are not the only influence.
You are the most important tool in the room.
Your child learns how to see themselves and others from the way you see them. Warm, honest regard that doesn’t depend on winning, together with patient help in noticing other people’s feelings, is the strongest foundation the research can point to.
Available Now for $7.99 — For a Limited Time
If this guide to narcissism in children gave you a clearer way to tell a normal stage from a pattern worth watching, The Play Therapy Toolbox gives you 123 activities built on warm, play-based support for self-worth and empathy. The ebook is available now on Amazon at $7.99 for a limited time, with 123 activities and 75+ full-colour printable worksheets for children aged 3 to 12.
Play is not preparation for life. It is life, in its most honest, most essential, most healing form.
Rostislava Buhleva-Simeonova is a psychologist and game design specialist. She has worked with children, adults, and the elderly within various therapeutic programmes over the past eight years, all the while providing the much-needed playful twist that art and gamified experiences can bring to this sometimes uneasy setting. But it wasn’t until the birth of her daughter, Aurora, that this work took on an even deeper personal meaning. With her academic and real-life experience, honed through numerous trainings and sessions, she is currently authoring books and articles in the field of child psychology and development, offering expertise in art and play therapy to guide parents and caregivers, as well as professionals in the fields of social work and mental health, throughout various pivotal moments in children’s lives. Last but not least, all of her books have been “peer-reviewed” by her daughter, who testifies to the efficiency of these methods.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.
Borke, H. (1975). Piaget’s mountains revisited: Changes in the egocentric landscape. Developmental Psychology, 11(2), 240-243.
Brummelman, E., & Sedikides, C. (2020). Raising children with high self-esteem (but not narcissism). Child Development Perspectives, 14(2), 83-89. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12362
Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Nelemans, S. A., Orobio de Castro, B., Overbeek, G., & Bushman, B. J. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 112(12), 3659-3662. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1420870112
Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Orobio de Castro, B., Overbeek, G., & Bushman, B. J. (2014). “That’s not just beautiful—That’s incredibly beautiful!”: The adverse impact of inflated praise on children with low self-esteem. Psychological Science, 25(3), 728-735. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797613514251
Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., & Sedikides, C. (2016). Separating narcissism from self-esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 25(1), 8-13. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721415619737
Dufner, M., Back, M. D., Oehme, F. F., & Schmukle, S. C. (2020). The end of a stereotype: Only children are not more narcissistic than people with siblings. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 11(3), 416-424. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550619870785
Elkind, D. (1967). Egocentrism in adolescence. Child Development, 38(4), 1025-1034.
Flavell, J. H., Everett, B. A., Croft, K., & Flavell, E. R. (1981). Young children’s knowledge about visual perception: Further evidence for the Level 1-Level 2 distinction. Developmental Psychology, 17(1), 99-103.
Moll, H., & Meltzoff, A. N. (2011). Perspective taking and its foundation in joint attention. In N. Eilan, H. Hoerl, T. McCormack, & J. Roessler (Eds.), Perception, causation, and objectivity. Oxford University Press.
Moll, H., & Tomasello, M. (2006). Level 1 perspective-taking at 24 months of age. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 24(3), 603-613.
Orth, U., Krauss, S., & Back, M. D. (advance online). Development of narcissism across the life span: A meta-analytic review of longitudinal studies. Psychological Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000436
Piaget, J., & Inhelder, B. (1956). The child’s conception of space. Routledge & Kegan Paul.
Thomaes, S., Brummelman, E., Reijntjes, A., & Bushman, B. J. (2013). When Narcissus was a boy: Origins, nature, and consequences of childhood narcissism. Child Development Perspectives, 7(1), 22-26. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12009
Thomaes, S., Bushman, B. J., Stegge, H., & Olthof, T. (2008). Trumping shame by blasts of noise: Narcissism, self-esteem, shame, and aggression in young adolescents. Child Development, 79(6), 1792-1801. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2008.01226.x
Trzesniewski, K. H., Donnellan, M. B., & Robins, R. W. (2008). Is “Generation Me” really more narcissistic than previous generations? Journal of Personality, 76(4), 903-918.
Wellman, H. M., Cross, D., & Watson, J. (2001). Meta-analysis of theory-of-mind development: The truth about false belief. Child Development, 72(3), 655-684.
Wimmer, H., & Perner, J. (1983). Beliefs about beliefs: Representation and constraining function of wrong beliefs in young children’s understanding of deception. Cognition, 13(1), 103-128.
[Authors to confirm]. (2020). Narcissistic traits in young people: Understanding the role of parenting and maltreatment. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation. (PMC7216544)